So, I was going to talk about this podcast in a post about all the podcasts I listen to, but I listened to the first episode of the new season of Two Bi Guys, with Anna Kochetkova, and now I have more to say about it than just part of a post. So, it’s its own post now. Anyway, most of the Two Bi Guys episodes are really great, and I really identify with so much of what they talk about. But Anna’s interview resonated with me so hard. I’ve never heard of her before (I’m not exactly current on the Sydney Bi scene or the Australian literary scene), but I loved the way she talked about bisexuality. On the surface, her experiences are very different than mine. She grew up in a conservative household in Russia, and then emigrated to Australia a decade ago, none of which I relate to.
But I really related to Anna’s journey to bisexuality. I can never relate to people who “always knew they were queer” because I really didn’t. I internalized the biphobic view that “oh, every college girl goes through a phase of kissing her female friends, you’ll grow out of it” and that bisexuality didn’t “really exist”. Which is partially why I rail against those tropes and am visibly and loudly bisexual now, because if I can keep even ONE young person from wasting years of their life thinking they’re just “going through a phase” and that it “doesn’t mean anything” when they make out, or date, or sleep with a variety of genders and sexes, then I’ll be happy. Life is a journey of self-discovery, but waiting so long to figure out something so fundamental to who I am is just…frustrating. (I was 25 and already married before I finally realized it. Hilariously, when I quakingly came out to my husband his reaction was “Yes? Of course? How did you not know that?” which was both validating and painful.)
I also really liked what Anna had to say about bisexuality and asexuality/aromanticism. I’ve only recently come to an understanding that I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum, and coming to that realization made me uncomfortable because it challenged my bisexuality in my mind. I eventually began to identify primarily as queer because of it, since that’s simpler than a paragraph explaining the ins and outs of my sexuality. But I still cling to bisexuality because it’s very important to me as an identity, I’ve been identifying that way for over a decade after all. It’s the community that has welcomed me, and made me feel valid. And I want to continue to stand by that community. So listening to Anna describe the ways that she thought bisexuality intersected with asexuality, and how nonsexual queer relationships could be just as valid as sexual queer relationships, and you can still be queer without sex. And I just think that’s such an important thing to remember. Bisexuality isn’t just about who you have sex with, it’s about a fluidity of relationships that allows for a world of different experiences. It’s about love, and all the different ways to love someone, and doing that in ways that are nonstandard in society.